5.) Sausage Party
(Before going any further, I understand Sausage Party is an oddly divisive movie, and now you know which camp I’m in. Congratulations if you enjoyed it.)
As a fan of Seth Rogen and his affable stoner routine, it’s a bit disappointing to see him strike out yet again with another half-baked premise. Sausage Party could have been something special. Certainly there is room for a foul-mouthed CG animated comedy on the big screen. This movie, however, is mind-numbingly one-note. Sausage Party never evolves passed anthropomorphic wieners being obsessed with going inside anthropomorphic buns. Get it? It’s a sex pun.
Add to that rote peace pipe vision quests, regional cuisine stereotypes, and crass dialogue as substitutes for actual humor and you have a pandering mess of a movie. Sausage Party cannot hold a candle to the likes of South Park, Archer, Rick & Morty, or many other lauded animated comedies on television, which simply makes it a waste of time.
4.) Suicide Squad
Suicide Squad is banal, uninspired, pandering, commercialized garbage masquerading as an edgy action film, which is reason enough to dislike it. There’s not much else to say that hasn’t already been said. Most people have no fucks left to give about this one, and that’s completely understandable. What’s saddest is that the DC Universe has a multitude of inspired characters to choose from, some of which are actually in Suicide Squad. Look no further than Rocksteady’s Arkham video games as an example of how to adapt numerous comic book villains into a different medium all at the same time. It’s been done. You can do it too, Warner Brothers. Try harder next time.
Despite some great work by the cast, the movie ends up as bland as it is stupid, forgettable right up until its last moment. It’s too bad considering Margot Robbie still manages to deliver a great Harley Quinn performance to the big screen, and Will Smith brings his patented charisma along too. What are you doing Warner Brothers? Seriously. WB: Making money. Me: Oh.
3.) Yoga Hosers
Oh, Kevin Smith, just what is going on in that weed-addled brain of yours? Tusk may have been ludicrous as well, but it was at least tolerable for most of Smith’s fanbase. Yoga Hosers, on the other hand, expunges what little goodwill the filmmaker had left. As someone who adores the dumb/random comedy subgenre and, until recently, Kevin Smith, this is a catastrophic misfire. In Yoga Hosers, the once revered writer/director blends Clerks with Iron Sky (albeit far less ambitiously), to get something truly horrendous.
Seeing a foot-tall bratwurst Nazi chase around Harley Quinn Smith and Lily Rose Depp could have maybe been fun or even funny, but it’s a tangent within a tangent. When you’re not wondering, “How did we get here?” you’re likely wondering, “Why am I watching this?” Nothing about Yoga Hosers is rooted in anything. It’s frustrating even if you have a high tolerance for randomness and Smith’s stoned ramblings because there is rarely, if ever, an actual punchline in this ninety-minute mess. For those that have stuck with Smith for this long, Yoga Hosers will likely make them question their devotion. You’re a talent, Mr. Smith, but please lay off the doobies.
2.) The Do-Over
Picking on an Adam Sandler film is like picking on a cat for licking its butt, absolutely. However, The Do-Over is just so painfully unfunny that it deserves a few more sentences. Even The Ridiculous 6, for as bad as it was, had moments of idiotic gold sprinkled in along the way. Conversely, there is not one redeeming quality to The Do-Over. It’s the kind of movie your brain instantly forgets as a defense mechanism. It also begs the question: this is what Netflix is spending our subscription money on? This is why the cost keeps going up? Hmm.
Rather than ridicule it any more, though, let’s fix it. About twenty minutes in there’s a boat explosion, which is supposed to be Spade’s character’s do-over opportunity. Now, for anyone that has seen the movie or is going to see it despite numerous warnings not to, how incredible would this movie have been if Sandler and Spade’s characters died in that explosion? Two guys getting carried away on a boat, drinking beers, killed in an explosion, credits. Pretty good, right? Maybe even funny. It would have at least saved masochists like myself some time.
1.) Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice
A disappointment for the same reasons as Suicide Squad, only there is no Harley Quinn, no emo Joker, and no Will Smith to provide any minuscule amounts of joy to this cold, dour cash-grab of a movie. It’s bloated, mundane, and just downright unpleasant. Batman V Superman sucks every ounce of joy out these larger than life characters. With a Lex Luther who might as well be Mark Zuckerberg’s impersonation of the Joker, a hypocritical Bruce Wayne who blindly hates Superman’s capacity to destroy yet apparently loves killing bad guys, and a Superman that looks about as despondent as audiences leaving the theater after seeing this clunker, this entire experience can not be criticized enough.
Batman V Superman exists as a series of moments rather than an actual story. And still, several of those moments it lingers on for a bit too long are laughable to the point that theaters guffawed during specific scenes (looking at you floating Bruce Wayne child). It’s bad, and has no reason to exist outside of making a few bucks off of brand recognition alone, which is about as cynical as a movie can make its audience. It’s not the movie fans need, but maybe it is the one we deserve. I don’t know anymore.